Let Go of the Mom Guilt
Conflicting priorities are a given; guilt is not
My family, including my two grown kids (21 and 24), was having a good talk over a recent holiday break. I’m not really sure how we got on the topic, but I started to mention the things I missed when they were little and I was working full time. This included things such as my daughter’s first day of kindergarten because of a missed airport connection, my son’s eighth grade graduation—simply because I forgot to put it on my calendar, the nights I was late for dinner, and our rushed mornings just to get out the door. As I spoke, they couldn’t even remember these things. I have been carrying this guilt with me for all these years and they don’t even remember! How is it that I burdened myself all this time, and for no reason? Since that time, I’ve significantly reshaped my perspective on mom guilt, and I hope these ideas will help other women:
Give yourself a break. Every person, no matter his or her vocation, will face conflicting priorities. It’s natural to have to make choices, shift schedules, or even check-out for some self-care. Conflicting priorities in life are a given, but feeling guilty about them is not. In the midst of overlapping obligations, make your choice and then commit to being 100-percent present. You will reinvigorate your thoughts and actions with a renewed sense of purpose.
Create family time. Hire a cleaning service, get someone to mow your lawn, or arrange for someone to drive your kids to school. There is no guilt in these decisions because you are aligning your choices with your priorities—which likely include proper rest and more good times spent with friends and loved ones.
Set expectations and communicate them to people at work and at home. For example, my kids knew that when I traveled, I would not be immediately reachable 100 percent of the time. They understood that Wednesdays were my nights to work late, so they weren’t anxious if I wasn’t home for dinner. There is freedom in setting routines that honor you and the people who depend on you.
· Don’t make perfection your goal. Much of what you see on social media are the highlight reels of your friends’ lives—which means all the everyday messy and mundane parts are on the cutting room floor. Like my kids told me, some of those of those clips are completely forgotten, and there is real grace in that.
My daughter says some of the warmest memories of her young childhood were the quiet times we spent together reading or talking or watching TV before her bedtime. In feeling guilty about the events I missed, I had assigned value to certain experiences and wrongly assumed my young children felt the same way, too. As it turns out, I am a pretty good mom and I’m sure you are too. And it doesn’t require one bit of guilt to get us there.